This is something I had written last year on my previous blog, the password of which I'm unable to retrieve.
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But mentally I was scarred, the scars embedded so deep inside of me that there was no way they would ever fade away. The memories of those days, those horrid days, hound me even today. Though I know I'm far from there, safe and cozy (once again, physically), the nightmares never fail to visit. I repeatedly beg them to go away, to leave me alone, yes, I wanted to be alone.
The pain of living even after he didn't, the excruciating piercing pain of the invisible knife repeatedly stabbing my heart, was slowly turning into numbness. I was growing immune to the stabbing, but not to the pain, the pain never left me.
I thought of those carefree days of my life. The days where he was around, to lift up my spirits, to guard me from all evils, protecting me in those strong, warm hands of his...those days were over. Now came the days when I had to fight with nature to kill myself, to end this horrid torture called life.
Everybody said I would get over it and I tried to believe them, but deep down I knew that nothing would ever be the same. I would never be alright again. Running away from home was an option, but I had no home.
Four years ago from this date I was just another sixteen year old in the orphanage. He, strong and handsome, at the age of seventeen had visited for a school project. We became friends and soon much much beyond that. He rescued me from there and promised a lifetime together, till eternity.
But promises are never kept...don't take me wrong, he tried his level best, but one evening, when the gray clouds engulfed the clouds, an omen perhaps. Just like in any movies the gang of villains came to attack us. But unlike any movie, the villains emerged victorious. My brave hero fought till his last breath, injured as many as he could.
The evil tried to kill me, but they didn't succeed. I wish they had, then he and I would still be together. I escaped, unscathed. I fought against my own life for three whole years trying to find a loophole in nature which would make my work so much easier. But, alas. Nature defied me, death defied me.
But today I'm prepared. I have been planning for a while, to end it, for once and for all. I looked down the cliff and saw a long stretch of nothing. I walked to the edge, opened my arms wide and smiled.
Bending down slightly, I took a leap. The wind was soaring in my face, what a marvellous feeling! This is how flying must feel. I couldn't enjoy the pleasurable feeling for long because I crashed. Usually a person would weep because of the pain, but I'm not just another person.
I felt myself rolling in a crippled position, unable to move. My smile turned even more wide. During the last few moments of my life I decided to think about all the beautiful memories with him: our first meeting, our first date, our confession, our first kiss, our plans for the future. I felt my breath rate going slower and I knew what my last thought would be. The reponse to his last words I will wait.
"I'm here," I said, breathing my last.
I opened my eyes in heaven and saw him. I ran into his arms felt them snake around me protectively. I hid my face in his naked chest. Yes, I was home.
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Home
I wasn't afraid and I knew it. I couldn't understand why it always ended up like this. Always ended up with me in the dark cold, alone, lost, lifeless. Somehow I always made it out of there, relatively unscathed, physically atleast.But mentally I was scarred, the scars embedded so deep inside of me that there was no way they would ever fade away. The memories of those days, those horrid days, hound me even today. Though I know I'm far from there, safe and cozy (once again, physically), the nightmares never fail to visit. I repeatedly beg them to go away, to leave me alone, yes, I wanted to be alone.
The pain of living even after he didn't, the excruciating piercing pain of the invisible knife repeatedly stabbing my heart, was slowly turning into numbness. I was growing immune to the stabbing, but not to the pain, the pain never left me.
I thought of those carefree days of my life. The days where he was around, to lift up my spirits, to guard me from all evils, protecting me in those strong, warm hands of his...those days were over. Now came the days when I had to fight with nature to kill myself, to end this horrid torture called life.
Everybody said I would get over it and I tried to believe them, but deep down I knew that nothing would ever be the same. I would never be alright again. Running away from home was an option, but I had no home.
Four years ago from this date I was just another sixteen year old in the orphanage. He, strong and handsome, at the age of seventeen had visited for a school project. We became friends and soon much much beyond that. He rescued me from there and promised a lifetime together, till eternity.
But promises are never kept...don't take me wrong, he tried his level best, but one evening, when the gray clouds engulfed the clouds, an omen perhaps. Just like in any movies the gang of villains came to attack us. But unlike any movie, the villains emerged victorious. My brave hero fought till his last breath, injured as many as he could.
The evil tried to kill me, but they didn't succeed. I wish they had, then he and I would still be together. I escaped, unscathed. I fought against my own life for three whole years trying to find a loophole in nature which would make my work so much easier. But, alas. Nature defied me, death defied me.
But today I'm prepared. I have been planning for a while, to end it, for once and for all. I looked down the cliff and saw a long stretch of nothing. I walked to the edge, opened my arms wide and smiled.
Bending down slightly, I took a leap. The wind was soaring in my face, what a marvellous feeling! This is how flying must feel. I couldn't enjoy the pleasurable feeling for long because I crashed. Usually a person would weep because of the pain, but I'm not just another person.
I felt myself rolling in a crippled position, unable to move. My smile turned even more wide. During the last few moments of my life I decided to think about all the beautiful memories with him: our first meeting, our first date, our confession, our first kiss, our plans for the future. I felt my breath rate going slower and I knew what my last thought would be. The reponse to his last words I will wait.
"I'm here," I said, breathing my last.
I opened my eyes in heaven and saw him. I ran into his arms felt them snake around me protectively. I hid my face in his naked chest. Yes, I was home.
Do comment and tell me what you thought,
Midnight Queen
